As the year begins we block time increments around holidays.
January, of course is recovery month.... after the Christmas holidays. It begins with New Years Day. The first day of the new year... so much promise!! So many resolutions!! It also has Martin Luther King Day. But do you know anyone who celebrates this day? I'm not talking about getting the day off work either... I mean really understand and celebrate the day?
Februrary has Valentine's Day. As a kid it was so much fun, the shoebox of funny Valentines brought home from school. Hoping to find that one special one from you know who!! As an adult, it's just a forced holiday that makes a lot of folks uncomfortable due to their personal situations. Who wants to be reminded that you are under the gun to do something special for your partner? Isn't that something you should be doing without prompting? And who wants to be reminded that they are running 'single' (as if it's some sort of disease!!)? Everywhere you look it's about love and couples and hearts and flowers... this is depressing if you are single. Nothing like a holiday to ram home that fact. This month also has Presidents Day. When was the last time you heard of anyone celebrating Presidents Day that wasn't having a sale of some kind?
March has the ever so strange St. Patrick's Day. Ok, green beer and cabbage... and all those clover leaves everywhere!!! How many kids today are aware of the 'old timey' way to celebrate... If you're not wearing green you get a pinch!??
With April comes Easter. It's sort of 2 holidays in one. You have the spiritual aspect, Jesus rose from the dead and we rejoice! And then the secular side with the Bunny, candy and Egg Hunts.
May, of course brings May flowers... but it's Mother's Day that is most important. After all, without her... would we be?? May also has Memorial Day. This is celebrated with BBQ's and beer, but how many understand the real meaning of this day? How many truly thank and respect those who made the ultimate sacrifice for the freedoms we enjoy (and which now, some of those freedoms come under fire with our current administration).
June is truly the beginning of Summer, as most schools begin the summer vacation. This month contains Father's Day. Wonder why we don't put as much effort into this day as we do Mother's Day? (After all, it took both of them for me to get here.....) This month also includes one of my favorite days... Flag Day!! Oh how I love the Red, White and Blue!! An important Amercian birthday!! But then the next month is The American Birthday....
July 4th!! Happy Birthday America!!
August is our most laid back month.... no holidays to note. Most schools now start in August, so there is a lot of school shopping, clothes and supplies. And it is the lead in to the last 4 months of the year which to me are the most aggressive of holidays.
We start in September. Labor Day. Another strange holiday. The first Monday of the month and we recognize the economic and social contributions of workers. Who really gets that? I am still confused. There are so many birthdays of friends and relatives in this month and mine too!! So keeping up with all of said birthdays is a full month job!!
October is the one that has my all time favorite holiday.... Halloween!!! This is the one day a year that anyone can be whatever they want to be for one day and not be judged!! (Unless you're one of those holy roller types that does not agree with this holiday... ) I am not into the devil worshipper thing that surrounds this day. It's all about the fun!! The costumes!! The decorations!! The candy!! I love it!!
We now arrive at the most laid back of holidays, Thanksgiving. This is, truly, the eating holiday. The turkey or ham dinner that puts everyone over the edge and turns 80% of us into couch potatoes. Yes, most of us think of all the things we are grateful for, but it really comes down to the food.
And now... for the grand finale.... Christmas!! This too, is a two in one holiday. This is the day we celebrate Jesus' birth. And of course the other guy, who wears a red suit.... Santa. As a child this is the ulitmate holiday.. that one day a year that your wishes might come true. The anticipation of it. The thrill of it. The excitement!! And then we reach the end of the year... the last day... New Years Eve. Hate to say it. But it will never be the same without Dick Clark.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
What part of NO didn't she get, the N or the O?
Mother-in-law.
Just saying that conjures up many images. Nearly everyone I know either has one, knows one, was divorced from one, or is considered one. The boundless jokes, the comic images. The stigma!
I am one. By definition that means my child is married. I have a daughter-in-law.
And she is a nightmare. She will someday become the iconic symbol of the hated, dreaded, picture-perfect-awful -- mother-in-law. (If blessed to live that long I will warn all unsuspecting little darlings...)
In her eyes, and by the words she speaks, I am a fuckin dyke-ass bitch. Yep.. that's me!! I got this lovely endearment because I am the mother of the young man that got involved with this train wreck. There was a time when her hateful words just had me in tears. Me holding out hope that someday she will see that I am not her enemy!! I'm just the Momma of a little boy she fell in love with!! But I don't believe that's ever gonna happen. So I have come to accept that she will never think of me differently.
I used to care.
It's interesting what you see in others at an older age than what you saw in others when you were young. I recognized what kind of girl D-i-L was the minute I met her. I tried to warn my son. Please,,, I see trouble!! But his eyes, they saw a beauty regardless of her unmannered ways, and so it began.
Now, 8 years later, my son and the beauty he fell in love with have become this all fightin pair of junk yard dogs going for the throat. And yes to that next question... the kids have become the pull toy between.
My son, Kyle, moved states away. I remain nearby in terms of where we live but no longer close to my grandkids. You see, because my son has removed himself physically from their relationship, I have been shifted to that all dreaded position of target one. When they get to bickering by phone and he has had enough, he will shut down the phone and this sends her on a ballistic rant straight to me. After all he is my son... so I am responsible... for all her hurt... for all her hate... for all her failure... it's on me. Her best defense now is to hurt me.. to hate me... to blame me. And yes, again, to that next question... the kids are kept from me as payment for all she endures. That's her get-even to Kyle.
But there's more. Much more here than just the 'hurt me because I'm his Momma'. Her problem with me is she has no control. And now that her words and her keeping the kids from me is having no effect, she becomes even more hateful towards me. Multiple voicemails telling me what a bitch I am, what a sorry son of a bitch Kyle is, (Let me quote.. "fuck u, fuck him.. fuck all y'all!!" That one is her favorite. Here's another... "if he don't send me money, none a y'all gonna see the kids.") All because I don't jump and run to help when she gives me the (many) ultimatums.
Not to make any type of excuse for her, some background is needed. This is a young woman who during her raising (and I am not placing blame on any one person in her family) learned a nasty behavior trait of getting loud and ugly to get what she wants. She will batter you to death!! Pushing every tender button in your psyche that she knows will weaken you. I have taken a lot of verbal crap from this one, and her dislike for me grows with each "NO" I've uttered.
As she is young and not very well behaved, I have stood my ground and not given in. My feelings toward her changed some when Kynzleigh died. Kynz was her second child. Just before she was about to turn 4 months, she choked in her sleep. No ones fault. It was a freak thing. God calling his Angel early. No rhyme or reason. Since I have not lost a child, I cannot begin to understand what she went through as a Mother. At any age, losing a child would be devastating. I have tried to deal with her a little more delicately than anyone else.
Done.
Now at that point where I am no longer going to endure her shit. I raised 2 children from the same cloth I was raised... you respect your elders. With me as a child, and with my kids... right or wrong there is NO ROOM for disrespect.
So who suffers most? Me!! I lose precious moments with the babies. Moments I wish to hold on to because I know oh so well how fast time goes by. Those years raising my own, the memories... I am losing that with these two. What are they losing? Time with Gramma...
But the lesson here, learned by my lovely D-i-L, and by the grandkids, will be ~~~ Don't be ugly to Gramma. and when Gramma says no, she means it.
This Mother-in-law has had enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just saying that conjures up many images. Nearly everyone I know either has one, knows one, was divorced from one, or is considered one. The boundless jokes, the comic images. The stigma!
I am one. By definition that means my child is married. I have a daughter-in-law.
And she is a nightmare. She will someday become the iconic symbol of the hated, dreaded, picture-perfect-awful -- mother-in-law. (If blessed to live that long I will warn all unsuspecting little darlings...)
In her eyes, and by the words she speaks, I am a fuckin dyke-ass bitch. Yep.. that's me!! I got this lovely endearment because I am the mother of the young man that got involved with this train wreck. There was a time when her hateful words just had me in tears. Me holding out hope that someday she will see that I am not her enemy!! I'm just the Momma of a little boy she fell in love with!! But I don't believe that's ever gonna happen. So I have come to accept that she will never think of me differently.
I used to care.
It's interesting what you see in others at an older age than what you saw in others when you were young. I recognized what kind of girl D-i-L was the minute I met her. I tried to warn my son. Please,,, I see trouble!! But his eyes, they saw a beauty regardless of her unmannered ways, and so it began.
Now, 8 years later, my son and the beauty he fell in love with have become this all fightin pair of junk yard dogs going for the throat. And yes to that next question... the kids have become the pull toy between.
My son, Kyle, moved states away. I remain nearby in terms of where we live but no longer close to my grandkids. You see, because my son has removed himself physically from their relationship, I have been shifted to that all dreaded position of target one. When they get to bickering by phone and he has had enough, he will shut down the phone and this sends her on a ballistic rant straight to me. After all he is my son... so I am responsible... for all her hurt... for all her hate... for all her failure... it's on me. Her best defense now is to hurt me.. to hate me... to blame me. And yes, again, to that next question... the kids are kept from me as payment for all she endures. That's her get-even to Kyle.
But there's more. Much more here than just the 'hurt me because I'm his Momma'. Her problem with me is she has no control. And now that her words and her keeping the kids from me is having no effect, she becomes even more hateful towards me. Multiple voicemails telling me what a bitch I am, what a sorry son of a bitch Kyle is, (Let me quote.. "fuck u, fuck him.. fuck all y'all!!" That one is her favorite. Here's another... "if he don't send me money, none a y'all gonna see the kids.") All because I don't jump and run to help when she gives me the (many) ultimatums.
Not to make any type of excuse for her, some background is needed. This is a young woman who during her raising (and I am not placing blame on any one person in her family) learned a nasty behavior trait of getting loud and ugly to get what she wants. She will batter you to death!! Pushing every tender button in your psyche that she knows will weaken you. I have taken a lot of verbal crap from this one, and her dislike for me grows with each "NO" I've uttered.
As she is young and not very well behaved, I have stood my ground and not given in. My feelings toward her changed some when Kynzleigh died. Kynz was her second child. Just before she was about to turn 4 months, she choked in her sleep. No ones fault. It was a freak thing. God calling his Angel early. No rhyme or reason. Since I have not lost a child, I cannot begin to understand what she went through as a Mother. At any age, losing a child would be devastating. I have tried to deal with her a little more delicately than anyone else.
Done.
Now at that point where I am no longer going to endure her shit. I raised 2 children from the same cloth I was raised... you respect your elders. With me as a child, and with my kids... right or wrong there is NO ROOM for disrespect.
So who suffers most? Me!! I lose precious moments with the babies. Moments I wish to hold on to because I know oh so well how fast time goes by. Those years raising my own, the memories... I am losing that with these two. What are they losing? Time with Gramma...
But the lesson here, learned by my lovely D-i-L, and by the grandkids, will be ~~~ Don't be ugly to Gramma. and when Gramma says no, she means it.
This Mother-in-law has had enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, March 15, 2012
What's a driving girl to do?
I want to scream!
Things are changing at such a fast pace that I almost can't keep up! What happened to courtesy? What happened to COMMON SENSE??? Remember when... oh. my. gosh..... I've begun the process of remembering how things used to be. How different life has become.... someone.. quick.. save meeeee.......
Driving.
It has always been one of my great joys. The ability of moving around in a little box on wheels going wherever I guide the steering wheel. There is something very exhilarating about it for me. These days I climb behind the wheel and I witness how much times have changed. Too damn many cars on the road. Too many drivers. Way too many!! Of every age. Driving cars that are too much. Since we live in a world where we are absolutely drowning in technology, cars have taken on new meaning. So many added conveniences. So many added diversions. Nothing is like it used to be. I now see why my parents used to say "things were so much easier when I was younger." As I slip into that same mindset, it rings so true.....
With the addition of more and more drivers, seems there are more rules and more policing. But at the same time less common sense and less courtsey. Our world has become an 'all about me' world. Evident in the designs of the these capsules we call vehicles, now with video on the go, telephone through the dashboard, a little screen with a voice telling you to make a u-turn you're going the wrong way! Good Grief!!
Give me a car, with a radio, windows that roll down, gas in the tank and a damn road map! I will show you what true driving is about. The sheer joy of it. Not many share that feeling. In fact, I wonder how many of us are left? I know there are car enthusiasts out there, those who find the car a most amazing entity. But I am wondering how many are about the drive itself. The control of it. The freedom of it.
I have been an aggressive driver all my driving career. The need for speed... =). It puts a smile on my face. I would like to state for the record, that I do pay for the privilege, and quite heavily. I have paid many hundreds of dollars over the years in speeding fines and court costs. You play, you pay. Got it. Have never complained about it either. I will also add, that for all the times I've been pulled over by those in blue, I am running about a 7 out of 10 rate of talking myself out of said violation!! =) =) (double smiles!!) But now it's not so easy. Not only are our cars techno-equipped but so are those who pull us over, with the latest laptop and satellite service, they know everything about me there is to know, if they want to know it. Geeez. Really?
(I want stop and thank all those folks out there who have choosen a life of crime, who do terribly bad things, hurt people or run drugs. YOU, my friend, are the reason we have more and more rules and laws that invade my privacy, all while you are taking advantage and then when you are caught, tried and convicted, and you now live off my dime in a prison somewhere.... you *&#k!!!)
There used to be unwritten rules of the road. It might just be in my mind, but it seems to me common sense was necessary. Common courtesy was part of the good ole days too. Oh, I miss it so. I wish I could start a movement, a class of some kind ... a "Hey Dumbass, You're Not the Only Driver on the Road" course. I would love to be an instructor! I would put a video camera on my car to show these idiots just how dumb they are.... (example, tonight on my way home, a car in the center lane engaged it's left turn signal, and then glided into the right lane and exited to the right, still with the left turn signal blinking..... I shake my head.)
Oh I see the car with 2 little kids jumping on the backseat as the driver speeds past me!? I see that car with the elderly couple out for a drive going the exact speed limit in the far left lane of any road they travel! I see that car with the young kid rocking along a little faster than he thinks he's going, only to cut off a semi tractor with a loaded trailer and doesn't realize that the semi does not have the stopping power that he does in that car. And let's not forget my favorite, the tiny little woman, bravely wrapped in that BIG SUV, driving that thing like she is indestructible and answers to no one. Every day someone like each of these described, cause accidents or gum up the flow of traffic.
All I want to do is drive. Without the worry and the stress of fighting the stupid, for the right of way.
Things are changing at such a fast pace that I almost can't keep up! What happened to courtesy? What happened to COMMON SENSE??? Remember when... oh. my. gosh..... I've begun the process of remembering how things used to be. How different life has become.... someone.. quick.. save meeeee.......
Driving.
It has always been one of my great joys. The ability of moving around in a little box on wheels going wherever I guide the steering wheel. There is something very exhilarating about it for me. These days I climb behind the wheel and I witness how much times have changed. Too damn many cars on the road. Too many drivers. Way too many!! Of every age. Driving cars that are too much. Since we live in a world where we are absolutely drowning in technology, cars have taken on new meaning. So many added conveniences. So many added diversions. Nothing is like it used to be. I now see why my parents used to say "things were so much easier when I was younger." As I slip into that same mindset, it rings so true.....
With the addition of more and more drivers, seems there are more rules and more policing. But at the same time less common sense and less courtsey. Our world has become an 'all about me' world. Evident in the designs of the these capsules we call vehicles, now with video on the go, telephone through the dashboard, a little screen with a voice telling you to make a u-turn you're going the wrong way! Good Grief!!
Give me a car, with a radio, windows that roll down, gas in the tank and a damn road map! I will show you what true driving is about. The sheer joy of it. Not many share that feeling. In fact, I wonder how many of us are left? I know there are car enthusiasts out there, those who find the car a most amazing entity. But I am wondering how many are about the drive itself. The control of it. The freedom of it.
I have been an aggressive driver all my driving career. The need for speed... =). It puts a smile on my face. I would like to state for the record, that I do pay for the privilege, and quite heavily. I have paid many hundreds of dollars over the years in speeding fines and court costs. You play, you pay. Got it. Have never complained about it either. I will also add, that for all the times I've been pulled over by those in blue, I am running about a 7 out of 10 rate of talking myself out of said violation!! =) =) (double smiles!!) But now it's not so easy. Not only are our cars techno-equipped but so are those who pull us over, with the latest laptop and satellite service, they know everything about me there is to know, if they want to know it. Geeez. Really?
(I want stop and thank all those folks out there who have choosen a life of crime, who do terribly bad things, hurt people or run drugs. YOU, my friend, are the reason we have more and more rules and laws that invade my privacy, all while you are taking advantage and then when you are caught, tried and convicted, and you now live off my dime in a prison somewhere.... you *&#k!!!)
There used to be unwritten rules of the road. It might just be in my mind, but it seems to me common sense was necessary. Common courtesy was part of the good ole days too. Oh, I miss it so. I wish I could start a movement, a class of some kind ... a "Hey Dumbass, You're Not the Only Driver on the Road" course. I would love to be an instructor! I would put a video camera on my car to show these idiots just how dumb they are.... (example, tonight on my way home, a car in the center lane engaged it's left turn signal, and then glided into the right lane and exited to the right, still with the left turn signal blinking..... I shake my head.)
Oh I see the car with 2 little kids jumping on the backseat as the driver speeds past me!? I see that car with the elderly couple out for a drive going the exact speed limit in the far left lane of any road they travel! I see that car with the young kid rocking along a little faster than he thinks he's going, only to cut off a semi tractor with a loaded trailer and doesn't realize that the semi does not have the stopping power that he does in that car. And let's not forget my favorite, the tiny little woman, bravely wrapped in that BIG SUV, driving that thing like she is indestructible and answers to no one. Every day someone like each of these described, cause accidents or gum up the flow of traffic.
All I want to do is drive. Without the worry and the stress of fighting the stupid, for the right of way.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
24 Extra Hours
I've been reading all the hoopla about Leap Day. Every four years we get an extra day. Ok. Extra day. 24 more hours than the last couple years... how do I make it count? I've decided to make today my own personal "Leap Year Brag Day".
I truly have so much to brag about. I am alive! That is the biggest!! Just in my lifetime, the death toll of family and friends is very high, and death has touched someone of every age. From the oldest, my grandfather in his early 90's, to the youngest, my granddaughter who was only 4 months old, I just don't understand death. I guess I am not suppose to understand it. With every death, I find myself with more and more questions as to the rhyme and reason of each life. Why are some so lucky to live a long life and others not given a chance to even know they have a life? I just don't get it. But!! The gratitude I have~ that I woke up breathing this morning, WOW!, now that is LIFE!!
I am happy to say that I also enjoy good health. As a 50's something, I can still get around pretty good. I have the use of all my limbs. I can still hear and see well (yes I wear glasses, but if you're over 40 - who doesn't!?!). About to hit a 15 year milestone of giving up cigarettes. (woo hooo!!) After all the drug experimentation back in the day and living life on the edge of everything all my life, I count each day a blessing. I think the most important of all is I have a good attitude about life. I am one lucky girl. I work 2 jobs, one is physically demanding and I can still keep up!! (Yay!) I am a gamer, I have a DS 3D that I take everywhere with me!! I read alot and now claim to be a 'writer'!! Can't get any better than this!
I am grateful for my relationship. I am coming up to a 4 year anniversary of the night I met Del. From the minute I met him, I was completely and utterly comfortable. I know that sounds lame. And not very romantic. I went through all that in my younger years, you know, basing everything on those 'feelings' of love and desire. Not to say Del and I don't have those feelings but from the very beginning we just connected. For the first time in all my history with men, I didn't just jump in the sack with him. We waited. And agonizingly we waited some more. We had this discussion about finding out if we could be friends first. Both of us burned so badly by mistakes made in failed relationships. We hung out, we drank, we ate, we enjoyed time together, acting like high schoolers with all consuming crushes.... and the wait paid off!! I've not felt so sure of anything in my life as I am about his feelings for me. As human beings we strive for the ultimate feeling of love and security from our partners, and in Del I have that. I must say also, I love him like no one else in my life.
I have a fantastic family unit. 2 great kids, 6 wonderful grankids. My Mom is living at age 77, by herself and to this day still inspires me. Lost my Father many years ago, and is one of the few relationships I wish I had today. I have both my siblings and all my nieces and nephews and their families.....and it just keeps growing!!
I also have a wonderful 'family' of friends. I was not much of a friend to women as I grew up, girls as a rule are just so stupid. (Guy friendships were easier because there was no competition, even now men are more approachable than women.) I did manage to find a rare few that clicked with me. I am not an easy woman to know if you are a woman. I am sorta standoffish. Not that I think I am better or that I don't measure up or that they are or don't... but just not that much in common. I've been told that I am somewhat overbearing. Not really, I just don't take shit and I think for myself. Some women find that trait hard to deal with. Good. If you have issues with that, then you have too much drama for me. I have discovered as I age that those few women I have befriended over the years, have become a great part of my grand scheme in life. Without them, how could I grow? In the last few years I have made a couple new girlbuddy friendships. I am learning so much about myself from all of these very different and amazing women. For this, I am grateful beyond words.
Am I happy? Yes. Am I grateful? Yes. Am I satisfied with my life? Mostly. Truth be told, I would not go back and change a moment. Every little thing that has happened in my life has brought me to today. How in the hell could I not be grateful??
I truly have so much to brag about. I am alive! That is the biggest!! Just in my lifetime, the death toll of family and friends is very high, and death has touched someone of every age. From the oldest, my grandfather in his early 90's, to the youngest, my granddaughter who was only 4 months old, I just don't understand death. I guess I am not suppose to understand it. With every death, I find myself with more and more questions as to the rhyme and reason of each life. Why are some so lucky to live a long life and others not given a chance to even know they have a life? I just don't get it. But!! The gratitude I have~ that I woke up breathing this morning, WOW!, now that is LIFE!!
I am happy to say that I also enjoy good health. As a 50's something, I can still get around pretty good. I have the use of all my limbs. I can still hear and see well (yes I wear glasses, but if you're over 40 - who doesn't!?!). About to hit a 15 year milestone of giving up cigarettes. (woo hooo!!) After all the drug experimentation back in the day and living life on the edge of everything all my life, I count each day a blessing. I think the most important of all is I have a good attitude about life. I am one lucky girl. I work 2 jobs, one is physically demanding and I can still keep up!! (Yay!) I am a gamer, I have a DS 3D that I take everywhere with me!! I read alot and now claim to be a 'writer'!! Can't get any better than this!
I am grateful for my relationship. I am coming up to a 4 year anniversary of the night I met Del. From the minute I met him, I was completely and utterly comfortable. I know that sounds lame. And not very romantic. I went through all that in my younger years, you know, basing everything on those 'feelings' of love and desire. Not to say Del and I don't have those feelings but from the very beginning we just connected. For the first time in all my history with men, I didn't just jump in the sack with him. We waited. And agonizingly we waited some more. We had this discussion about finding out if we could be friends first. Both of us burned so badly by mistakes made in failed relationships. We hung out, we drank, we ate, we enjoyed time together, acting like high schoolers with all consuming crushes.... and the wait paid off!! I've not felt so sure of anything in my life as I am about his feelings for me. As human beings we strive for the ultimate feeling of love and security from our partners, and in Del I have that. I must say also, I love him like no one else in my life.
I have a fantastic family unit. 2 great kids, 6 wonderful grankids. My Mom is living at age 77, by herself and to this day still inspires me. Lost my Father many years ago, and is one of the few relationships I wish I had today. I have both my siblings and all my nieces and nephews and their families.....and it just keeps growing!!
I also have a wonderful 'family' of friends. I was not much of a friend to women as I grew up, girls as a rule are just so stupid. (Guy friendships were easier because there was no competition, even now men are more approachable than women.) I did manage to find a rare few that clicked with me. I am not an easy woman to know if you are a woman. I am sorta standoffish. Not that I think I am better or that I don't measure up or that they are or don't... but just not that much in common. I've been told that I am somewhat overbearing. Not really, I just don't take shit and I think for myself. Some women find that trait hard to deal with. Good. If you have issues with that, then you have too much drama for me. I have discovered as I age that those few women I have befriended over the years, have become a great part of my grand scheme in life. Without them, how could I grow? In the last few years I have made a couple new girlbuddy friendships. I am learning so much about myself from all of these very different and amazing women. For this, I am grateful beyond words.
Am I happy? Yes. Am I grateful? Yes. Am I satisfied with my life? Mostly. Truth be told, I would not go back and change a moment. Every little thing that has happened in my life has brought me to today. How in the hell could I not be grateful??
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thank you Motley Crue!
I wanted to be a singer. Not for the fame. Not for the notoriety. But just cause it feels so good to sing. The endorphins it creates!! It's a serious happy feeling! I retain, in this damaged brain, lyrics to songs long thought forgotten! Due to not having any real singing voice, I am regulated to singing for myself ~ at very high decibels ~ in my car ~ with my stereo up ~ way too loud! Since the car wreck, my little thumper is out of commission, I now wear earbuds (this is so I still cannot hear myself!) because hoopty has only big hole where radio should be. But in my mind... I am the one belting out the heartfelt sentiment that every song carries. I am that pain. I am the rock. I am that joyousness. I am the roll. I am that lover. I am all those and more. It doesn't matter the genre of the music either. I have such an eclectic mix of music on my ipod which spans them all. If I had to choose a specific, it would probably be the blues. Sad, love starved blues, the sadder the better... what a pick me up!!
I have done this since I was a kid, my sister and me, on the big front porch, an old floor lamp with no shade and the bulb holder bent upward to look like a microphone on a stand, screaming out Diana Ross and the Supremes... Aretha Franklin and the Jackson 5. What a memory!!
A couple days ago, I looked out the window at my little blue car, sitting there in the yard, a sad wounded look about it. I longed to jump in it and run up the road.... sigh. Then a flicker of an idea!!! I loaded my ipod with a few heavy bump songs and grabbed my keys. I went out, started the car and plugged in the ipod. The first song began, I cranked the volume and began to feel it. The vibration of the bass flooded my little car, the drivers seat one continuous wave of subtle movement felt only by my body. And the music runs through me like water flows in a creek. Big sigh.. I miss this so much..... and so the singing begins.
(It's not an ordinary car stereo here, I (Yes I said I) removed factory stereo and replaced it with a Sony Xplode and I have two 12's driven by 800 watts, in a huge box that takes up the entire trunk. It may not be a high end system but it cranks for me!!)
I sat in that car, maybe an hour, singing, banging on the steering wheel, feeling the power of the music, feeling the love or pain of the words Iscreamed sang. The only thing missing was the movement, the actual driving of the vehicle. But inside me, heart racing, mind searching for lyrics, crackly voice trying to keep up, I felt alive!
I can't imagine what the neighbors thought I was doing, but it didn't matter to me, just as it doesn't matter to me what the average other driver on the road thinks when they spy me wailing away in my own little world. To me this is heaven. Sorry,
gotta go,
now playing....
Kickstart My Heart!!
=)
I have done this since I was a kid, my sister and me, on the big front porch, an old floor lamp with no shade and the bulb holder bent upward to look like a microphone on a stand, screaming out Diana Ross and the Supremes... Aretha Franklin and the Jackson 5. What a memory!!
A couple days ago, I looked out the window at my little blue car, sitting there in the yard, a sad wounded look about it. I longed to jump in it and run up the road.... sigh. Then a flicker of an idea!!! I loaded my ipod with a few heavy bump songs and grabbed my keys. I went out, started the car and plugged in the ipod. The first song began, I cranked the volume and began to feel it. The vibration of the bass flooded my little car, the drivers seat one continuous wave of subtle movement felt only by my body. And the music runs through me like water flows in a creek. Big sigh.. I miss this so much..... and so the singing begins.
(It's not an ordinary car stereo here, I (Yes I said I) removed factory stereo and replaced it with a Sony Xplode and I have two 12's driven by 800 watts, in a huge box that takes up the entire trunk. It may not be a high end system but it cranks for me!!)
I sat in that car, maybe an hour, singing, banging on the steering wheel, feeling the power of the music, feeling the love or pain of the words I
I can't imagine what the neighbors thought I was doing, but it didn't matter to me, just as it doesn't matter to me what the average other driver on the road thinks when they spy me wailing away in my own little world. To me this is heaven. Sorry,
gotta go,
now playing....
Kickstart My Heart!!
=)
Friday, February 17, 2012
There's always a knock at the door.
Two days this week I woke up and my first thought was about dying. Unfortunately for me, this is an underlying enemy in my everyday life, the idea I will die. As we all know... it's inevitable. I cannot change the outcome. We're born. We live. We die. There are those who believe there is life after death. There are those who believe there is nothing else. When I became old enough to understand the cycle of life thing, the burning question was... why? WHY? Why be born at all if that is the end result? I was never the same.
When I made friends with that nice guardrail last November, it was never so clear that I risk my life daily just waking up. I've had a strange feeling in me that I just haven't been able to calm. I had an absolutely frightening, in my face, introduction to the idea that someday I won't be here. Funny as that sounds~ as if I were just going to jump in my car and you wouldn't see me for a while but I'd be back, oh no! I won't be here. Gone. Forever. Period. Believe me, the idea of death scares me. I'm sure it does everyone, but I am so afraid I haven't done what I'm meant to do in this life (or have I done it already and don't know??) or what I think I really want to do... which is... what.. exactly?
Still.... there is a yearning. And the death theme keeps looming...
Whitney Houston. It's taken me a few days to soak it in. Oh, I've heard all the things the media has said someone else was quoted as saying. She was an angel. She was an addict. She was beautiful. She was a wreck. She had talent. BIG talent. I was mesmerized by her voice. So clear and crisp. She sang with such sweet grace. Yet for all her success, she was an addict. All that beauty, and she looked in the mirror and an addict looked back. And she was an addict for a very long time. I don't know all the details, but she rode a roller coaster ride of drugs and disfunction. Only she had money and fame to do what ever it was she was doing. Money doesn't save you. Fame doesn't save you. And now... dead at 48. Did she accomplish whatever it was she was supposed to do before leaving this life? Is her death just another wake up call for me?
I don't have fame. I don't have money. I'm not an addict. Well at least not a drug addict. (I have other vises that could be considered addictions. But we'll leave that for another post.) I will not do anything that will touch as many humans as the sound of Whitney's voice. So of the few hundred people who did, who do and have yet to know me, will I make much of a difference?
Whitney left behind, not only a child, but a legacy of music. My own ride from cradle to grave.. just what will my defining legacy be? Of course my bloodline will continue as I have kids and grankids, but is there something more? I can't stop my death, I can't even prolong it. My last breath will be just that. The last. I find myself on the razors edge. On the verge, as something keeps pulling at me from all sides. Is it just life trying to get out?
When I made friends with that nice guardrail last November, it was never so clear that I risk my life daily just waking up. I've had a strange feeling in me that I just haven't been able to calm. I had an absolutely frightening, in my face, introduction to the idea that someday I won't be here. Funny as that sounds~ as if I were just going to jump in my car and you wouldn't see me for a while but I'd be back, oh no! I won't be here. Gone. Forever. Period. Believe me, the idea of death scares me. I'm sure it does everyone, but I am so afraid I haven't done what I'm meant to do in this life (or have I done it already and don't know??) or what I think I really want to do... which is... what.. exactly?
Still.... there is a yearning. And the death theme keeps looming...
Whitney Houston. It's taken me a few days to soak it in. Oh, I've heard all the things the media has said someone else was quoted as saying. She was an angel. She was an addict. She was beautiful. She was a wreck. She had talent. BIG talent. I was mesmerized by her voice. So clear and crisp. She sang with such sweet grace. Yet for all her success, she was an addict. All that beauty, and she looked in the mirror and an addict looked back. And she was an addict for a very long time. I don't know all the details, but she rode a roller coaster ride of drugs and disfunction. Only she had money and fame to do what ever it was she was doing. Money doesn't save you. Fame doesn't save you. And now... dead at 48. Did she accomplish whatever it was she was supposed to do before leaving this life? Is her death just another wake up call for me?
I don't have fame. I don't have money. I'm not an addict. Well at least not a drug addict. (I have other vises that could be considered addictions. But we'll leave that for another post.) I will not do anything that will touch as many humans as the sound of Whitney's voice. So of the few hundred people who did, who do and have yet to know me, will I make much of a difference?
Whitney left behind, not only a child, but a legacy of music. My own ride from cradle to grave.. just what will my defining legacy be? Of course my bloodline will continue as I have kids and grankids, but is there something more? I can't stop my death, I can't even prolong it. My last breath will be just that. The last. I find myself on the razors edge. On the verge, as something keeps pulling at me from all sides. Is it just life trying to get out?
Saturday, February 4, 2012
How fast was that again?
30 years.
That block of time went by in the 'blink of an eye'. Stupid saying, but so true. Defined by my daughter Shelby, my 'Booboo', as I loving refer to her, who was born Feb 11, 1982. As her 30th birthday approaches I am so overwhelmed by thoughts of her. Her actual birth day was such a surprise! I had returned to Minneapolis just a few days earlier from a trip to St.Louis. A St.Louis baby shower!! It had been stressful not because I had flown, but because the day I was to board my plane and leave St.Louis, there was a blizzard and I couldn't even get off my Mom's street to make it to the airport!! The entire midwest was covered with record snowfalls.. most types of transportation were near stand still conditions! But it was just a one day inconvenience as St.Louis plowed through the mess and got the city going again the following day.
Not due until March 21st, my little sweetie decided she was ready to make her entrance... (so like her mother, with that unfortunate personality flaw - does not like waiting!!) And the next thing I knew I was holding this tiny little creature, all 5 pounds and 1/2 ounce of her.
If you had asked me, (well you didn't even have to ask me as I voiced my opinion quite loudly on the subject!!) I would have told you that I didn't want to have children. I was a very selfish entity that could only think about the immediate needs of ME. In fact, at 25, I still had growing up issues! My mind never wrapped itself around the idea of being a parent. I had even said many times that if I were to get pregnant, then I would take means necessary to change that status.
One day, after a few days of not feeling well, my best friend brought me a pregnancy test! No! Not possible!! But the damn thing said yes. Ok. Here I am. After all the bragging of what I would do if.... I now find myself at that crossroad. But, something inside... something inside.. I agonized over it, I changed my outlook on things and I stepped into a different world. The world of Motherhood. ugh. Even the sound of it. This is going to be so hard. What was I thinking??
As any woman can tell you having a first child is extremely frightening and extremely exciting!! There is nothing like it to explain the mixed emotions. The body changes... the belly... the mood swings... it was wonderfully distressing! I don't know if I would have been more prepared mentally for her arrival if it had been closer to the 'supposed' due date. The fact she busted out early was soooo my life!! When they placed this so very small bundle in my arms... my heart screamed bring it on!! I have so many stories about my little sweetie. So many cool things that only her and I share. The unconventional upbringing she has had shaped her into the loving, caring mother of three she has become. She is someone who taught me about myself in her innocence and teaches me to this day.
30 years.
It went by in a blink of an eye...
That block of time went by in the 'blink of an eye'. Stupid saying, but so true. Defined by my daughter Shelby, my 'Booboo', as I loving refer to her, who was born Feb 11, 1982. As her 30th birthday approaches I am so overwhelmed by thoughts of her. Her actual birth day was such a surprise! I had returned to Minneapolis just a few days earlier from a trip to St.Louis. A St.Louis baby shower!! It had been stressful not because I had flown, but because the day I was to board my plane and leave St.Louis, there was a blizzard and I couldn't even get off my Mom's street to make it to the airport!! The entire midwest was covered with record snowfalls.. most types of transportation were near stand still conditions! But it was just a one day inconvenience as St.Louis plowed through the mess and got the city going again the following day.
Not due until March 21st, my little sweetie decided she was ready to make her entrance... (so like her mother, with that unfortunate personality flaw - does not like waiting!!) And the next thing I knew I was holding this tiny little creature, all 5 pounds and 1/2 ounce of her.
If you had asked me, (well you didn't even have to ask me as I voiced my opinion quite loudly on the subject!!) I would have told you that I didn't want to have children. I was a very selfish entity that could only think about the immediate needs of ME. In fact, at 25, I still had growing up issues! My mind never wrapped itself around the idea of being a parent. I had even said many times that if I were to get pregnant, then I would take means necessary to change that status.
One day, after a few days of not feeling well, my best friend brought me a pregnancy test! No! Not possible!! But the damn thing said yes. Ok. Here I am. After all the bragging of what I would do if.... I now find myself at that crossroad. But, something inside... something inside.. I agonized over it, I changed my outlook on things and I stepped into a different world. The world of Motherhood. ugh. Even the sound of it. This is going to be so hard. What was I thinking??
As any woman can tell you having a first child is extremely frightening and extremely exciting!! There is nothing like it to explain the mixed emotions. The body changes... the belly... the mood swings... it was wonderfully distressing! I don't know if I would have been more prepared mentally for her arrival if it had been closer to the 'supposed' due date. The fact she busted out early was soooo my life!! When they placed this so very small bundle in my arms... my heart screamed bring it on!! I have so many stories about my little sweetie. So many cool things that only her and I share. The unconventional upbringing she has had shaped her into the loving, caring mother of three she has become. She is someone who taught me about myself in her innocence and teaches me to this day.
It went by in a blink of an eye...
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